When you let go of the negativity, negativity let's you go!

Casa do Fauno, Halloween, 2013

My dearies,

It is 4:00 am, I´m watching "The Carrie Diaries" (amazing show btw. If you love sex and the city - And how could you not? - go watch it, now!), and a light-bulb just popped in my head. For the last 4 months I've felt like the shittiest piece of shit that ever existed. Why? Because I had to let go/lost one of my closest friends, who I still miss and hope to get back in touch with to this day. Because I had problems with the family of somebody who is very dear to me. Because I started to doubt myself. Because I had more problems, and it all escalated to a HUGE snowball.

For days on end I cried. I felt like my world was about to collapse, like a huge black hole was created within me, and eating away at my soul. Because no matter how happy I felt, there always came a time where my thoughts came back to haunt me, and my mood would drop. And it was horrible, because no matter how good I felt at a certain moment, a black cloud was always hovering over me.

And then it stopped. Why?

Because I decided to make it stop. I decided to let go of the bad, and focus on the good. In previous years I was very much in touch with my spiritual side, but somehow that part of me got lost in the mayhem that life is. Well, I decided to reconnect. With mother nature, with the good energies of the earth, with me. I decided to stop worrying, and actually try to accomplish something. I got back to writing, and what a joy it has been! It's like being back in touch with an old friend, who helps you to understand yourself, and makes you feel self-fulfilled and proud. I decided to try to focus on the good, instead of the bad. I have a big problem with anxiety, that sometimes impairs me greatly. When I feel good, I can kinda control it, but if i´m in a bad place, it completely takes over me. Whenever bad thoughts come to me now, I try to reflect on them, and turn them into something positive. Or if i can't, I feel what I have to feel, experience what I have to experience, and then try to let go. I cannot hold back my thoughts, try as I may. There's people who don't think at all (and not being ungrateful but boy, do I envy them sometimes!) but that is simply not me. I think, I think a lot. As a matter of fact, I think i´m pretty much always thinking, planning, idealising, imagining, anticipating, revising and so on. The only exception is perhaps when i´m with people that I love (that's another thing I cannot deny about me - I´m a social butterfly, and although sometimes I hate that about myself, I thrive amidst people), doing stuff that makes me simply happy. Nothing too fancy - A walk somewhere pretty, a night out with good music, a good chat with friends and some booze...

Like cat stevens sings (I came across this song in the film Harold and Maude, which I deeply deeply recommend. A great life lesson, and so beautiful!)

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are
And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
'Cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are

If you're feeling down, trying to tune in with something that makes you feel good. I realized I was creating so much negativity just by thinking about things that hurt and felt bad... My natural answer to them was hate, sorrow, bad feelings, negativity. When I should be focusing on the things that make me happy! Cmon, try it now! What makes you feel good? What helps you focusing on the good and shunning away bad energies?

Burn some incense, gather some protective crystals, put some music on! Draw if that makes you feel free and accomplished! Read books, watch films! Fill your mind up with fantasy, mythical creatures, faraway worlds, whatever works for you! If maths is your thing, go and work on some exercises! If you like to run, go for a jog, run as fast as you can, run with all your might and leave all the bad stuff behind!

This was a completely spur of the moment post, but it might well be one of my favourites ever. It marks the new cycle that has already begun, and boy, does it feel good!

I end this post with another recommendation, a book that changed the way I thought about life years ago, and that's the philosophy i´m hoping to reconnect with. Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom. I will not write anything about it, as I would like to let you experience it by yourself and come to your own conclusions, but I leave you with a quote:

“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”

Be happy. Seize the day. "O mais é nada!" 
   

Santa claus is comingggg to town! My feelings towards christmas & christmas memories

Hello my ghoulies!

TIS THE FIRST OF DECEMBER, OH JOLLY GOLLY! I love December, I just love it. The sunny winter days, the chilly mornings, and best of all... CHRISTMAS! Whoever knows me, even at a superficial level, knows that I am a peter pan at heart. I don't want to grow up, at least not an in some levels. I never want to lose the ability of getting so excited and happy with the little things of life, of being able to be silly whenever I feel like it, of walking in public wearing kitty ears or other childish accessories, of kicking the pills of leafs in the street, of just... I don't love, loving life, or connecting with the world, reality and others in a non adult manner. This doesn't mean I´m not mature or grown up in an intellectual or personal level, it just means I like to face reality with a different attitude, and I don't feel like I should be bound by society's concept of what an adult woman looks and acts like. I just never want to lose the ability to dream and just be spontaneous. It might sound silly to you, but it's just the way it is for me. That being said, I´m sure it doesn't come as a surprise that I tend to love the holidays. Easter, halloween, Carnaval (it's a kind of holiday celebrated in some countries, where people dress up and play pranks on each other), but my favourite two are without a doubt my birthday and xmas! Now my birthday is special for obvious reasons, it is everybody's special day where people should be extra loved and taken care of by friends and family.

But christmas... I was lucky enough to have grown rooted in a very united and caring family (although that isn't the case, nowadays). I don't specially mean my parents, but the wider side of the family. I have two younger brothers, and for a very long time, we were the only babies in the family, and therefore everybody tended to us and wanted to make us feel loved and special. Christmases were just magical. We all got together, my parents, brothers with my mother's side of the family (godparents, grandparents and uncles) in my grandparents house for a great big party. There were Christmas films, and delicious food, christmas decorations and lights... My grandfather was a doctor (he is still alive, but has retired nowadays) and his patients used to bring him loads of christmas delicious cakes and seasonal treats that added to the party. My favourite one was always the christmas log (I don't know if you have it in other countries, it is a very delicious cake covered in chocolate frosting). Anyway, here's have I loved the most about it. At 11 pm, we all went down to the basement (where my grandfathers medical practice was) and we deposited just one shoe wherever we wanted to. Then, close to midnight, one of my family members would ring the bell, and mayhem would ensue. IT'S SANTA CLAUS U GUYS, HE'S COMING! Me and my brothers would die of excitement, and just run around like maniacs. Then some members of our family would usher us to an unused room, and we would wait there with them, as santa placed presents downstairs and ate the plate of stuff we left them (not milk and cookies, more like pastries, and cake and a bunch of random seasonal stuff and a chalice of port wine!). Lastly, before he left, he would always come to the door of the room we were, and talk to us from the other side of the door. He would address us personally, asking us if we were god and had behaved well all year long (this was usually my grandfather, in a very deep voice): VANESSA... HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD KID THIS YEAR? HAVE YOU ALWAYS DONE WHAT YOU WERE TOLD, WERE GOOD TO YOUR PARENTS AND BROTHERS, AND BEHAVED WELL? And I would answer in a very low, scared and excited, shriekly kind of voice: Yes, Santa...! He did the same to my brothers, said bye bye, and off he went! I remember than once, after he was gone, and I´m not making this up, I looked out the window and saw his snow-sleigh flying away, and even heard the bells jingling! Looking at it nowadays, I think I believed in Santa so much, that I actually saw this through the power of imagination! Or maybe it was just christmas magic! I can still remember it to this day, like if it was an actual memory! Awww, happy times!

Then, we would run downstairs and start unwrapping our presents. All the adults used to wait before we were done before they started opening their own presents, and just helped us, took pictures and smiled while we showed them our wonderful new toys and stuff. When we were done, a pile of wrapping paper would lie next to our shoe, and we would run of to play with our favourite new things for a while. After this, me, my brothers and parents used to head on to my grandparents (from my father side of the family) house for a small party and just to open their presents also. My Christmases as a child are such happy memories, that my eyes swell up with happy tears as I remember them. Nowadays, after my grandmother and godparents have passed, and my father being the way he is, has managed to break the family apart so we don't spend it with my mother's side of the family anymore. Still, I treasure this memories fondly, and I think they are a big part of why I am such a child at heart!

I don't tend to post about very intimal things on this blog (I use my LJ for that), but happy memories are meant to be shared and not kept private.

I love christmas to this day. I love the christmas songs playing everywhere (on the radio, supermarkets, shops...), the colourful lights and decorations on streets and shop windows, the christmas films on tv... I love going out to Lisbon's downtown, in a chilly december afternoons, and just browse the shops for christmas gifts, and walk around town, marvelling at the christmas lights... I love choosing and picking perfect presents for my family & friends, and seeing their faces as they open them... And of course, I love receiving presents and surprise as well (who doesn't???). Some people look at christmas as a religious holiday, or an ode to consumerism... For me, it tis the season to be jolly, to be extra kind to other people, and just to let the child inside your heart come out and be merry!

And I am preparing a small but very thoughtful early christmas present for you all! The next post will be mine "have a very batty christmas!" playlist, featuring my favourite christmas songs! It contains all the ingredients for a very gothmas mood, christmas songs by alternative bands, some of yee old classics, some soundtracks from films that have a chrismasy feeling about them, and even a couple electronic tracks! Soon to be posted :D Keep an eye out for it!

Enjoy your december my dearies! Only 23 days to xmas eveeeeeeeeeeeee :D