Casa do Fauno, Halloween, 2013
It is 4:00 am, I´m watching "The Carrie Diaries" (amazing show btw. If you love sex and the city - And how could you not? - go watch it, now!), and a light-bulb just popped in my head. For the last 4 months I've felt like the shittiest piece of shit that ever existed. Why? Because I had to let go/lost one of my closest friends, who I still miss and hope to get back in touch with to this day. Because I had problems with the family of somebody who is very dear to me. Because I started to doubt myself. Because I had more problems, and it all escalated to a HUGE snowball.
For days on end I cried. I felt like my world was about to collapse, like a huge black hole was created within me, and eating away at my soul. Because no matter how happy I felt, there always came a time where my thoughts came back to haunt me, and my mood would drop. And it was horrible, because no matter how good I felt at a certain moment, a black cloud was always hovering over me.
And then it stopped. Why?
Because I decided to make it stop. I decided to let go of the bad, and focus on the good. In previous years I was very much in touch with my spiritual side, but somehow that part of me got lost in the mayhem that life is. Well, I decided to reconnect. With mother nature, with the good energies of the earth, with me. I decided to stop worrying, and actually try to accomplish something. I got back to writing, and what a joy it has been! It's like being back in touch with an old friend, who helps you to understand yourself, and makes you feel self-fulfilled and proud. I decided to try to focus on the good, instead of the bad. I have a big problem with anxiety, that sometimes impairs me greatly. When I feel good, I can kinda control it, but if i´m in a bad place, it completely takes over me. Whenever bad thoughts come to me now, I try to reflect on them, and turn them into something positive. Or if i can't, I feel what I have to feel, experience what I have to experience, and then try to let go. I cannot hold back my thoughts, try as I may. There's people who don't think at all (and not being ungrateful but boy, do I envy them sometimes!) but that is simply not me. I think, I think a lot. As a matter of fact, I think i´m pretty much always thinking, planning, idealising, imagining, anticipating, revising and so on. The only exception is perhaps when i´m with people that I love (that's another thing I cannot deny about me - I´m a social butterfly, and although sometimes I hate that about myself, I thrive amidst people), doing stuff that makes me simply happy. Nothing too fancy - A walk somewhere pretty, a night out with good music, a good chat with friends and some booze...
Like cat stevens sings (I came across this song in the film Harold and Maude, which I deeply deeply recommend. A great life lesson, and so beautiful!)
Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are
And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
'Cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are
If you're feeling down, trying to tune in with something that makes you feel good. I realized I was creating so much negativity just by thinking about things that hurt and felt bad... My natural answer to them was hate, sorrow, bad feelings, negativity. When I should be focusing on the things that make me happy! Cmon, try it now! What makes you feel good? What helps you focusing on the good and shunning away bad energies?
Burn some incense, gather some protective crystals, put some music on! Draw if that makes you feel free and accomplished! Read books, watch films! Fill your mind up with fantasy, mythical creatures, faraway worlds, whatever works for you! If maths is your thing, go and work on some exercises! If you like to run, go for a jog, run as fast as you can, run with all your might and leave all the bad stuff behind!
This was a completely spur of the moment post, but it might well be one of my favourites ever. It marks the new cycle that has already begun, and boy, does it feel good!
I end this post with another recommendation, a book that changed the way I thought about life years ago, and that's the philosophy i´m hoping to reconnect with. Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom. I will not write anything about it, as I would like to let you experience it by yourself and come to your own conclusions, but I leave you with a quote:
“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
Be happy. Seize the day. "O mais é nada!"